"The truth is, we all ache.  We all have growing pains and wonder if we are okay and enough loved.  The thing is- we are.  Really.  Without the silver shoes and the leopard print sheets.  We are enough without all the things we buy to make us more than we are or need to be.  We are simple and complex and rare as is."   -Sabrina Ward Harrison

honesty

We have snow.  I think it's winter here for good.

I want to live a lovely life, a selfless life; want to bless and give and give and bless.  And to be a sacrifice, an offering, something broken and made beautiful by God, while in the bloody middle of the suffering.  I want to live beyond myself, I want to break and see the beauty.  I want to cry and not be ashamed, I want to love and not deny it, even if that love is never returned or was never meant to be.   Maybe that’s why.  Maybe that’s why I’ve never been loved back.  Because isn’t that what He feels?  Maybe that’s the piece of God’s heart that I get to share.  At least for now. 

Yes, I know what it is to love and not be loved back. 

But I'm just now realizing that maybe it’s not something to be ashamed of.  Maybe it’s a bit of a treasure.  A bit of a sight into what God’s heart feels, only on a much larger scale. 

Is there any end to what can be learned in pain?  I find that suffering is like the ocean.  There are small breaths between the waves, but they never stop and when they hit it’s harder than you remembered them being before. 

It's so much.  So, so much.

"To be alive at all is to have scars"  -John Steinbeck

"Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how you have always loved to swim." -Tyler Knott Gregson

"There are far better things ahead that any we leave behind." -C. S. Lewis

What do you know, I got an award! The same one twice actually, so I have two sets of questions to answer.  But first I have to tell eleven things about myself, so we'll see how this goes...

1. I have very long brown hair and eyes that change.  Sometimes they are blue, sometimes green, sometimes grey.

2. I am terrible at trusting, letter correspondence, public speaking, giving up, and thinking of things to say about myself.

3.  My room is a mess.

4. I desperately want my own garden.

5. I can't stop listening to Ghosts That We Knew by Mumford and Sons

6. My favorite art supplies are: black ink, graphite, acrylics, masking tape, gold glitter, mod podge, and brown paper.

7. This quote

8. I have filled almost 19 journals.

9. I've never been loved back.

10. Buying new music, eating a scone, going for a long walk, drinking hot chocolate, reading an old favorite, drawing, re-arranging my books, knitting mindlessly, tending plants, getting mail, visiting antique shops, and watching the stars are all things that help me step a little lighter.

11.  This tag has taken me a bit over two weeks to complete I think.

Here are Jo's questions...

1. Do you have a passion or a dream?  
Yes, I think I do, but I'm not brave enough to say.  Except that my passion is life.  All life.  Unborn life to barely hanging on life.  All life.

2.What's your favorite place?And why?

I think I'm still looking for a most favorite place, but I have two right now that are close.  They are the Haystack Mountain, where my best friend lives, and wilderness camp where I was the girls counselor at the camp I worked at this summer. 

3.Are you an optimist or a pessimist?

I talk like I'm an optimist, and in truth I really do try to be, however I don't always succeed at this in my head or in print.

4.What music do you listen to? 

Currently it's Mumford and Sons all the way, and I'm shocked to say that I think I might actually like Babel better than Sigh no More.  I can't tell yet though, but it does feel a bit like they wrote this right out of my soul...

5.What books do you read? 

Well, I read a lot of different things, but lately it's been a C. S. Lewis and L. M. Montgomery time I think, along with reading a chapter or two of the new John Green book when ever I'm at Barns and Noble.  It's super good but I just can't pay the nearly $20 with a clear conscience

6.What do you like most about yourself?

Probably my hands, if I couldn't use them I would probably go insane, and I really mean that.

7.Which countries have you always wanted to visit?

England, Ireland, Turkey, India, Germany, Italy, France, The Shire, Rohan, Narnia...

8.What are you proud of?

I really don't know.  Hardly anything I guess.  Except, I am rather proud of resisting the normal "this is what you do" things and taking my own path.  For example, not attending college right out of high school and buying the whole "success" delusion.

9. What do you prefer: Town or countryside?

Countryside

10. What's you favourite fairytale?
I think I'm going to have to say The Ordinary Princess by M. M. Kaye.  It's flawless.  With a spunky, believable, free-spirited princess that runs away to live in the forest.  It's the best.  Every time I read it it's like going home. 

11.Are you happy right know?
Happiness is a bit like the sea side, waves go in and out the tide rises and falls, but I think yes.  Right now I am happy.

And here are Roselie's...

1. Would you like to be a mythological creature and if so which?(mermaid, fairy, dragon)

Oh I like this question! I'd say it's a toss up between a Pegasus and a Phoenix, don't think I can narrow it down more than that, though I'd love to be a Dryad or a Nyad too...

2.What’s in your purse right now
Let's see... phone, keys, journal, bible, hand knit cowl and hat and mitts, camera, old RealD glasses (probably back from Hugo... wow), thrifted wallet, and a pen.

3.Which is your favourite Alice in Wonderland character
 Hmm, I'm really not sure.  For now I'm going to say Absalom the smoking caterpillar, I can't really say why, just that I think he's great.

4.Would you like to be forever kid like Peter Pan

No, being a kid is hard, being an adult is hard too, but I like the freedom I have as one.  However if I lived in Neverland like Peter Pan, and could Fly like Peter Pan then yes, I would like that.

5.Next to which natural phenomenon (aurora, lagoon, grand canyon) would you rather live

 The ocean

6.Do you like cooking?

Yes, I do! Few things feel better than turning up the Ameile sound track putting on a apron and making food.  (This of course involves some dancing while gathering ingredients, because how can you not dance to French music?)

7.What is your favorite book?
Oh man that is an impossible question.  I'm going to have to just give a list, and in no particular order either.  The Blue Sword, The Chosen, Rose Daughter, Deerskin, To Kill a Mockingbird, Taliesin, The Blue Castle, Jane Eyre, ah there are so many more! Maybe I should do a post that's just a long, long, list of books that I find amazing.  I hate leaving anything out, it should be noted that I did not include full series, only single books.

8.Would you paint your house an unusual colour like orange or blue (inside or outside)

As far as the outside of my house goes, I really haven't the slightest clue, on the inside I certainly would.  In fact I've been planning for several years to have a wall in my future home that's a dark turquoise.

9.Do you watch series?If yes what kind (drama, fantasy) and give an example

I don't have TV, but my sister and I are in the middle of re-watching all the Harry Potters, does that count?  It's been pretty great, every time a dementor shows up we eat chocolate, cause it helps, it really helps, actually it kind of becomes every time something remotely scary happens we eat chocolate.  Because it's an excuse to eat chocolate.  It's been fun.

10.Do you play a sport?If so, which?

I dance a little, but that's it.  I love to be active though and play sportsy games with friends like volleyball or soccer. 

11.Do you (still) watch anime-cartoons?

No I don't, and actually I never really have.  Just the good ol' Disney classics.

Thank you both so much for the honor of picking me! It was very sweet of you, I don't know who to pass it on to though... so I guess this part ends here.  I'm very sorry.

Love, Clara

Sometimes it's good to just stop.

And look at the clear sky as it darkens during the sunset and remember that you're on earth.  And that the earth is in the universe and that the universe is in God's hands, but mostly it's to remember that God is infinite.  Infinite in beauty.  Infinite in wisdom.  Infinite in love.  Infinite in power.  Infinite in grace. 

And He's got it.

He's got it.