I was able to plan my weekends and count on the them to stay how I'd arranged them, I finally had time to sew and to really work on building my skills and confidence there. I found that I liked being entirely me again, not weighing my actions and convictions on how they could offend this friend. I hadn't realized how unhealthy the friendship had been until I found myself without it, and I found myself breathing more freely than I had in a long time.
I thought the friendship was over, I had moved on, reacquainted myself with old friends, and built new habits and patterns for myself. But months later, everything came back up, and it was ugly and nasty and painful. It was right in the middle of the worst time possible too, transitions and new responsibilities at work, a death in the family, lice, home remodeling stress. I dealt with it as well as I was able and knew how. I know I wasn't perfect,but I've learned through this that it isn't fair to ask myself to be perfect in these situations. I can do my best, no more, no less. And I did. I did do my best. So I can have grace for myself, as I do for others. In fact, it's important to.
Anyway, it's been weird and horrible, like a nasty break up. But also good, because I've learned a lot. I know now that I can be pretty tough, and I can be honest and vulnerable, without having to take shit from someone. And I know now that I need to take up my whole space, and be honest about who I am right from the beginning, so that they don't get a false idea of who I am. So I've been wrestling with loss and forgiveness and all of that good and ugly stuff. And moving on, cause that's all that can be done. And it's best done with a positive outlook and some hope.
So... I've been praying a lot, asking for something new, and choosing to make space for rest and peace and creativity. I've been trying to take care of myself (which has brought some flack, but the good people are supportive of this) and do what I need to do to make it through. It's like I'm learning to have faith and trust, but also to grab for things and to fight for myself at the same time. It seems contradictory, but I've found faith to be so much easier, when I'm able to advocate for myself.